My life has been one massive transition over the past couple of years. I got out of a dead end relationship that was hurting my life in multiple ways, I have ups and downs with what I want to do with my life, I have crippling anxiety when it comes to my car and money (but not travelling alone in Bangkok!), and I would often rather stare at Reddit all day than talk to anyone (regardless of what my boyfriend believes).
About a year ago though, I had a particularly crappy day. It hadn't been long since I had gotten out of the cruddy relationship, and Kyle and I had not been dating for long. I was surrounded by relatively new friends who I felt the need to prove myself to. They had been friends for years, and I was the newcomer. I had just decided to quit my nutrition major (and good riddance to that life plan) and was testing the waters of a business major. Having a stressful year with an anxiety filled brain, I wasn't doing well in classes and the social awkwardness I thought I had abandoned in high school crept back up on me.
I was sitting in Kyle's room working on homework and my newer friends were sitting outside in the living room talking. While I was sitting there working on economics homework, a class that I ultimately didn't do well in, I heard them start talking about business majors and I perked up.
"Once I'm done with this engineering degree, I should go back to college to do business so I can party all of the time," laughter "seriously, it would be the best four years ever! I wouldn't have to do anything" more laughter
I was absolutely distraught. I not only was considering business, I was struggling in it. Realizing that my major and anything I wanted to do with it was worthless, I burst down in tears. Kyle shut the door and sat next to me while I just sat there and bawled. I thought I had ruined everything that day, my new friends didn't find any value in me, my new boyfriend was watching my self esteem crack in front of him, revealing what was practically a child wearing a grown up suit.
After that, I dealt with some issues. One of which was constantly having to prove myself to everyone which was good in some ways, bad in others. I raised my GPA above a 3.0, I helped start a club, I found internships and experiences that would give me an edge when I graduated college with a "lowly" humanities degree. One of the bad things that having to prove myself constantly was that for a lack of a better term, I could appear flaky. How did I go from a business major to a humanities major to wanting to go to grad school then library science school... and now, not even that? All within a year, too. Every time I met someone passionate about something, I wanted to be passionate about it too.
Those people became my best friends and greatest motivators, and only recently did I tell one of them how much that day affected me. I fully regret not being able to do a STEM degree in college, knowing I am capable of it now, but at the time, humanities was the right choice. I have come to accept that and instead fulfill my "life" needs with good job experiences and networking. I know that while I may not have the most lucrative job out of college, I will have one, and that is a great feeling. While I can get easily passionate about doing one thing, then take a complete 180, I am okay with that because that only means that I have options. I don't believe that I have even found my "real" passion, but I have become okay with that too.
I have only recently began to calm down and realize that I do not need a specific life path in place and there are multiple careers that will fit me. Whichever career takes me first is the way that I will go, but I am confident that I will find one.
I am thankful, though, that they kicked me off of my butt and made me realize I need to do something with my life. Even if I went overboard, that only means I had done more than enough. Now I can scale it back and feel good about myself.
Plus... a little anxiety medicine doesn't hurt.
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